Doogie Howser’s Theory of Awesome™ and All That It Entails
Former teen M.D. Neil Patrick Harris is the definition of awesome. From adolescent surgeon faced with acne and appendectomies to sleazy but super funny womanizer (ironic?). NPH embodies awesome on an awesome scale.
- 1 year ago
"It can be helpful simply to make a written or mental list of the things you do each day. Then give yourself a mental credit for each of them, however small. This will help you focus on what you have done instead of what you haven’t gotten around to do. It may sound simplistic, but it works."
— David Burns
- 1 year ago
Where Did All The Sweet Girls Go?
Sometimes I find myself worrying about things over which I have no control. Usually it is something as insignificant as the weather. Or maybe it’s a new Lit professor who is obviously underpaid but took the job because his novel didn’t take off like he thought it would. Fortunately for me I have the attention span of a crack-addicted chimp with ADD and my worrying is over as quickly as it began. For the heavier things I usually grab a few drinks and rant to friends or sleep on it. Occasionally, there are moments where this isn’t enough. A few months ago I found myself vegging out in front of the TV with my current girl. We’d just finished off two huge gyros and a feta salad. Filled to the brim with greasy Greek food, we were both ready to fall asleep.
I looked down at her and noticed a grin slowly spread across her face as I stroked her hair. Moments like that were the best. No worries and no cares. Just me, a full stomach and the sweetest girl in the world. We both took classes full time and worked outside of class. That coupled with a few too many friends pulling us in opposite directions put a premium on the time we got to spend together. I’ll admit it; I enjoyed it a lot. Still, even in that moment I began to worry. It snuck up on me at first hiding beneath a full belly and an epic battle on Iron Chef. Or maybe it was because I was so lost in her golden-brown hair. “What if this is it? What if this is the last time I could enjoy a moment like this?” I’d like to blame my Christian background for those thoughts but that would be a lie. I hated casual dating with a passion and yet here I was doing it. The thought of giving someone up after such a short time never sat well with me. Taking the time to take in all of her interests, her dreams and aspirations and her as a woman was time consuming. To me dating was supposed to lead to something a bit more… permanent. I’d made an exception in her case though. I don’t know if it was my own foolish instinct fighting against years of testosterone-fueled training. Or maybe a lapse in judgment. Either way I decided to tell caution to go fuck itself and asked her out.
While what we had grew and chugged along wonderfully, I noticed that relationships around me were beginning to want. I had friends who would spend entire nights at bars or maybe over video games bitching about their girlfriends. They’d complain about how much time they had to spend together, or the nagging or the lack of sex.
One even had the nerve to try and pit her current boyfriend against an ex in a bid to make him jealous. Not only did this fail due to a well-timed intervention on my part, but he decided to end things that night. I saw guys in relationships go to the ends of the earth trying to please their partners and get almost nothing in return. Some would let days pass without trying to call. Others would prioritize friends over their boyfriends whenever the chance came up. “Where did all the sweet girls go?” I asked myself. Is fate itself bending over backwards to make sure I’m happy or am I just extremely lucky? My attention snapped back to her as she gave a slight yawn and turned to bury her face in my chest. “What are you mumbling about?” she asked half-aloud. “Just the econ homework for tomorrow,” I replied. “I haven’t started on it yet.” “Silly boy, you better get started on it.” With that, she yawned again and dozed off into sleep. I sure did enjoy moments like these. “God please let the sweet girls be here when I get old.”
- 1 year ago
I want to travel the world. I want to see all that Mother Earth has to offer me. I want to swim deep within her oceans and when near death, I will fear not one damn thing. She will comfort me and hold me like my own mother did once upon a time. “Commit my body to your own or let me go,” I’ll shout. I know this is mighty foolish of me to try and convince her but maybe she will. Then, I’ll move on to bigger and hopefully better things. Maybe I’ll climb a mountain. Or maybe I’ll have a bit of rum and float lazily in some shoddy kayak. I’d lay back and stare at the sky. Maybe at the moon. Maybe the stars. Who knows? Give me the chance sweet nature and I’ll devour it whole. “No more herb for me,” I’d lie again. Though it pains me to admit such a thing, it frightened me just a bit to sense the shift in my thoughts from the banality of my simple life to something bigger. Something surreal. Things that I wasn’t used to. “Free your mind and enjoy this gift,” she’d reply. “No, not today.” Once again I’d throw away what remained of the grass and float gently back down to the earth. No more traveling for now. No lakeside fires or lengthy tales of happiness and excess. Just the boredom that comes with such a simple life.
- 1 year ago
Eight? No, Make That Four Simple Rules to Performing Alchemy
—-Small disclaimer. You can’t actually do any of the shit I wrote about below. This story was written as an assignment in a Junior level writing class at Ole Miss. It highlights one of the reasons why I have so much trouble passing liberal arts classes. I can never take them seriously. We were supposed to write a short story about describing a process and this is what I came up with.—-
“Jo, get up. You’re going to love this.” My little brother looked up at me from his makeshift bed of hay. He yawned and stretched before sitting up. I could tell he’d been slacking off again, which our mom hated. She’d been on my case about getting him to be more active. I’d never know why she bothered me with this rather than him. “That boy is going to be a bum one day and it’s gonna be both of our faults. You’re in charge of getting him up and moving or you’re gonna be off with your father.” Dad worked as an officer in the state military and I wanted nothing to do with that. He had a reputation of being brutal in his methods. Long days split between physical training, nearly impossible marksmanship trials and military exams did not appeal to me.
- 1 year ago
Goodbye Parrish’s, Jim’s An Asshole
So, a few weeks ago I came up with the not so great idea of hanging out with an old friend and former boss. Jim was in town for a few days helping his daughter get ready for graduation and decided to call me up. I was later perma-banned from one of the few places to grab a decent drink in this town and found out why I stopped drinking with Jim in the first place.
That night started out like any other Thursday night in Oxford. College students flooded the main Square that night in search of alcohol, sex and excess. I usually went with Jim because though he is fairly wealthy and intelligent, he hated to party alone. He had a few quirks but nothing a few shots couldn’t take care of. I met him at a bookstore just off the Square and we made our way to my favorite bar, Taylor’s Pub. This was my favorite because the drinks were strong and the music was decent. We walked in through the front door and waved to the owner and everyone we knew. Jim broke away from me and made a beeline toward some blonde that was half his age. “Oh god,” I thought to myself, “he’s already started.” I watched as he pulled out a stool and sat down beside the girl. She looked disinterested until Jim did what he always does when things aren’t going his way; he pulled out his Amex Black card and ‘accidentally’ dropped it on the counter. Like I said before, Jim’s fairly wealthy. However, he’s usually dressed in workout gear. No one would ever know that he owned four of the most successful businesses in the Jackson metro unless he told them. A spark flashed in her eyes and she leaned in with a big smile. “Yeah, she’s hooked,” I said to myself. “Guess I’ll get myself a gin.”
I left Jim and headed towards the back of the bar. There was a bartender in the back who had what looked like watermelons under her blouse. It was a great way to keep my attention and empty my wallet. I didn’t mind spending the money though since her conversation was great and her pour was heavy. I made my way through the sizeable crowd and flagged her down. “Hey Mandy. Let me get a gin and tonic. Make it a double and put some love in it please.” She winked and reached behind her to grab a bottle of gin. “Hold on, use the cheap stuff. Old Jimmy’s up front with some little sorority chick. You know how that goes. I’ll be here for a while. “I waited while Mandy mixed my drink and admired that figure of hers until I heard shouting from the front of the bar.”Fuck you pal. Do you know who I am? I’m Jimmy Stevens. I own your daddy and I can buy this little pissy bar of yours.” Mandy slid the drink towards me and nodded in Jim’s direction. “Thanks hon.” I dropped cash on the bar and ran towards the front of the bar. “Jim, what happened?” A pair of policemen restrained Jim and were taking him out of the front of the bar. “That little fuck tells me that I reached the limit and that I couldn’t have another drink. Then he ignores me when I asked him why. Then he accuses me of trying to steal his tip jar.” I turn to the burly barman and ask him what happened. “Pretty much what he said except he did try to steal my tip jar. Made me cut my hand on the broken glass too.” I let what the bartender told me sink in. Jim did have a reputation of drinking too much. He’d never caused a scene quite like this before though. I drop more cash onto the bar and apologize to the bartender. “Now, I need to bail Jimmy out.”
I pulled out my cell phone once I made it to my car and dialed the police station’s main line. “Chuck with the Oxford Police Department. What can I do you for?” “Yeah, I had a friend get hauled off about 10 minutes ago. It’s for disturbing the peace and possible assault. How much is his bail?” I heard Chuck laugh and say, “Oh him? Shit it’ll probably be about $700. They ain’t letting him out until the morning though. Seems that he didn’t know how to act in the patrol car. You can come on up here and pay the bail now though.” “That’s okay,” I said, “he needs to spend the night up there.” “Suit yourself. You have a good night then.” “You too. Also, can you do me a favor? don’t let him know I said that. He’s my boss and might be a little sore about it.” I hung up the phone and sat for a few minutes in the car. “Another great night with Jim,” I said. “Now, let’s get back to Mandy. That chest of hers isn’t gonna stare at itself.”
- 1 year ago